July

2007-03-20T14:12:00.000+08:00

Extracted from my Xanga Blog.

Sunday, March 18, 2007

It's been awhile since I've created this blog.
Didn't think it was necessary. But now, just feel like it.
Being in the state of confusion, I hardly know what I want, what I need, and what I'm really looking for.
I miss home, my room, my bed... Feel like crying.

Sometimes, I think Pris and I isn't that suitable. Probably it's me, where the problem lies deep within. I don't know when, why, what is happening to me. She's such a nice girl, being so patient with me. Always there for me, always tolerate my tremously mood swings. Yet, no complaints from her. She worries when I became too happy, too quiet, too sad.
But what have I done. Always giving her my expectations, my demands and my attitude. Always complaining whatever that I dislike. Seriously, I haven't really thought about her feelings. I seldom shower my care and love her.
My feelings for her have faded over time. Sometimes it goes up, but most of the time, it kept plunging.
What if? Is she ready and willingly to part? I don't wanna hurt her.

Sleepless Nitez...

2004-07-27T23:50:00.000+08:00

Weather: Drizzing
Mood: So-so.
Tune: Zhou Jie Lun - Ban Dao Tie he

Sigh... For the past 1 week or so, I've been sleeping very little. And I doubt tonight I can sleep well. Projects are piling up, and everyday when I reach home, I have to continuously do project till I get extrememly tired. Last week was WISP, and this week is FYM. Almost every week have to submit a module project. Tests and quiz are coming along too. Now still got driving lessons to attend.

I'm starting to learn Macromedia Flash now. It was very difficult. And many times, I felt like giving up. Perhaps powerpoint will do for my FYM project. Regretted that during my free time I didn't pick up Flash.

Things in mind are getting complicated nowadays. Been thinking about relationship stuff. If what andrea and wanping said is true, why doesn't I feel that priscelia have feelings for me. Am I being to insensitive? Hmmz... sometimes, I felt that priscelia just treat me as a good friend of hers. But nevermind, it can't be rushed. To me, the outcome would be the same. How long can it last? (Think I've totally lost confidence in relationship.) Afterall, I'm gonna get hurt again. Nothing's new, but just like an old procedure to me.

Well, I'm fine being alone, by myself. Perhaps, that's the best solution to the sophosicated relationship's problems. Nothing to worry, nothing to care. I would feel bad if I don't care much about somebody. No one is going to blame me anyway.

Lots of problems have been filling up to its maximum usage. Need sometime to reformat it. Ciaoz...

Too much or Too little, Doesn't Make a Difference now!

What can I say?

2004-07-10T01:02:00.000+08:00

Mood: Zzzz
Weather: Drizzing
Tune: Trisha Yearwood - How Do I Live

I kept reminding myself. It's over, it's over. Nothing's gonna change the fact though it's already been more than a year. Memories stay, so does the hurt. When can I just fly away from this place? A far far awayland, where there's stress-free, hurt-free and care-free? Perhaps Heaven? Nahz, unless im DEAD!

Earlier this week, was chatting with Wanping on msn. It comes to my surprise that, she suspected that priscelia have a liking on me. Then she asked me whether do I have feelings for her? I don't know. But I told her, I still haven't gotten over Kat. And I don't want to commit to another relationship while I still have someone in mind. I doesn't want to hurt priscelia. She's a nice, adorable, good and loving girl. Anyway, who knows what's priscelia is thinking. Perhaps I'm just thinking too much. But if the timing is right, opportunity is there. Perhaps I would choose her.

I'm confused, I'm afraid, I'm sad. Afraid that another upcoming relationship is going to hurt me again. Sometimes, I just hate myself. I hate the way I feel. Hate the way I think. And hate the way I love. For my life till now, love is the only thing that changes me alot. From the First till the Last. I'm losing faith and hope for each time love failed me. Or maybe I failed in myself. Everytime I tired to open my heart to someone who really cares for me like priscelia, it's just shut off.

Today is my Birthday and thanks to all my family, friends, brothers and my god-sister (It's Zhengling, if you don't know). But I just hate this birthday. Perhaps the day I was brought into this world to suffer. Sorry to say that. Anyway, I'll still continue to pray. For everyone's health and peace.

Back...

2004-07-08T00:17:00.000+08:00

Mood:
Weather: Moony
Tune: Trisha Yearwood - How do I live

I'm back. No mood to blog. Perhaps tomorrow ba. Bye!

Will be busy till end of this month...

2004-06-12T04:14:00.000+08:00

Mood: Sianz
Weather: Humid
Tune: Aerosmith - I don't wanna miss a thing

As you guys know that I'm moving to my new house within these few weeks time. So I won't be blogging till everything is ready. Been very busy these few days. Rushing forth and back to my new house, attend training course, making sure that the contractor is doing a good job, packing my things, blah blah blah...

Well, when everything is ready, all my friends would be invited. Don't worry, admission's fee is FREE!!! haha... ^.^ Hmmz, I spent some time getting carton boxes from my buddy, Weiqiang (12 years of brotherhood) from his new house as he already moved to his new house (Thanks to his Mum's generosity). Well, his house was big and beautifully renovated.

Today, when we were watching the 9pm Tv Drama ( Channel 8 - Pao Ba Nan Ren) when the phone suddenly rang. We were all in the living room and the phone rang for 2 to 3 times. No one picked it up except me. It seems that both of them are just too lazy to answer the phone. You must be thinking why can't I just answer the phone rite? Actually no loh. Let me give you an example: One of the nights, I was in my room doing stuff when the phone rang. Mum and sis were sitting outside in the living watching Tv and they can't be bother to asnwer it. Damn, what is their problem man? And this isn't the first time already. I don't mind answering but sometimes I'm busy. You can try calling at nights around 8 to 10pm. You'll hear my voice unless I'm out.

After throwing my temper, I went straight to my room and pack my things. The carton boxes are ready, and they are not packing their stuffs. Why? Perhaps they wanna till the last minute? I don't know. I just want to get all my things there and start staying. Can't be bother know suspicious date to move in and it's stupid. Mum and sis went to see the Stupid fengshui mentor and make all these unnecessary changes (Like color of the house and bedrooms, etcs... ). It looks so fucking stupid to me just to listen to that stupid fengshui thing. Making my things even more difficult as there are Dos and Don'ts. That's why, never did I go with them to see fortune teller or those fengshui. They just judge your life by looking by your palms and face or whatsoever. By the way, I'm a free thinker. All gods are the same to me. And I just pray for peace for everyone, nothing else.

Well, see you some time later. Wish me good luck ba. Nitez...

I hate this feeling... (Do not read or bear the consequences!!!)

2004-06-06T02:04:00.000+08:00

Mood: Awful
Weather: Good
Tune: (Devil's speaking)

BEWARE!!! DO NOT READ the following content. I REPEAT, DO NOT READ! Bear the consequence!
If not FUCK OFF from here or read the next section.

Actually this small little blog of mine acts like a little diary to me. However the content is shared with everyone in this world. Using this as a place to escape, a place to write my thoughts, feelings, actions, everything. A place to feel relieve after writing. A place for me to hide. And a place for me "Let it off".

Right now, I'm having this "feeling" that is killing me. It makes me MAD. It makes me HURT. It makes me UNCONTROLLABLE. And it makes me change to the EVIL side once again. Many times I asked myself, "Why me?", "Why is it have to happen like this?". I'm not going to share this "feeling" with you cause it's unexplainable, unidentified. It's a feeling I have it since 2 years ago. And it's still growing. It comes without warning. It strikes even when I'm prepare for it. It goes straight to my heart, then to the my brains. The more I resist each time, the stronger the "feeling" gets.

How I wish those pills were here. It helps me took some loads off me 1 year ago. Those pills did wonders. It makes me light. I can sleep easier with that and when I wake up the day after without remembering anything from the previous day. And those are stress-free. Trust me, Don't try it. Those have side-effects.

Shock? Surprise? Can't believe I took those? Perhaps those reading this have another impression of me. I don't care. Because none of you have seen the real me. The real me is unpredictable, mysterious, impetuous, dangerous, ...... Well, you'll never get to see that as I'm good at suppressing my feelings and thoughts. Unless, you know, something real happens. Or else, I suggest that don't try me. Don't even think of it. My time is up and have to go. See you in next post with a better ME!

Time to stop slacking....Memories...

2004-06-02T22:54:00.000+08:00

Mood: Alittle foul
Weather: Fine
Tune: Gaul Dong Hwa - Prayer

When I was taking my shower just now, a sudden thought came into my mind telling me that I should start doing something or else, I'll be like wasting my time thoughout the entire holiday. Since I'm trying to quit smoking now, I intended to go jogging everyday except for like Sunday? Haa.. I don't know. Perhaps prepare myself for national service ba.

Well, today I woke up around 5.30pm (haa, very late rite? First time sleep till this hour). Hmmz, after took my shower and continuing blogging. Sad, couldn't get what I want for my templates... Argh... But nevermind, will try to improve it. Tomorrow have to call one of the agent from Century 21 regarding about the training course.

So many things coming out during this month and really gives me headache. Everyday, I see mum staying in her room till 5-6pm then come out to check whether my maid has come already. After that, she starts to slack in the living room. Been wondering for years what has got into my mum that made her change so much. From a career woman, now to a so called sick-woman I known. Where has all her determination and motivation gone? Or I have to admit that my mum is old? I really don't know. Seeing her everyday in her room, complaining that she is sick or whatsoever makes me mad each time. Why can't she just go out, shopping, go for mahjong games, get on with her work, meet clients etc etc...? I don't think that she should carry on like that even till we move to our new house. I hate to see her like this. Worst of all, I HATE my dad!!! Because of this foolishness act, my family will not have to end like this. Thanks to you Dad! You'll have your retribution. Even so many years had passed, I'll not forget why and how you left us. And you're not forgiven in anyway.

My family changed, and so do I. To be the better or worst? I don't know. But perhaps, changed to one that is alittle more to the evil side....

Second day of blogging

2004-06-01T22:55:00.000+08:00

Weather: Fine
Mood: Peaceful

Woohoo... Blogging huh? Very interesting!!! But there's lotsa lotsa things for me to learn. Been renovating my blogs since 3 hours ago. Today's tribute is far off better than last nite. Zzzzz~

Woke up at 2.30pm slack awhile then went to buy lunch. Then tune in to SCV and watch the oldest version of "Journey to the West". Haha... Then after that, caught a movie which I think is "Crazy First Love". Rather funny but also stupid. then... nap till 8pm ;[

Today ronnie remind me of the Century 21. Always wanted to go for the course but mum having alittle financial problem here. But just now talked to my sis, she would sponsor my course. So glad now I can further improve and sharpen my skills on Real Estate.

Well, I'm off to renovating.

Important!!!

2004-05-31T23:32:00.000+08:00

Renovation in Progress...